Of Consequences and a Broken Will

Of Consequences and a Broken Will

Of Consequences and a Broken Will

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Ideas have consequences.

It’s a saying from Summit. It’s the concept that the thoughts that we allow to grow in our heads have major impact upon our lives. At 2am, wide awake and tormented by nausea and a seriously unsettled stomach, I am in complete and full agreement.
My ideas from yesterday have major consequences for me today.
Yeah. I really blew it. Sigh.
Maybe the cloud hanging over me wouldn’t be so bad if it was an isolated event. But I am just gonna be completely honest here. I really blew it all last week. It was a week full of in-the-moment-satisfaction; which was completely shadowed by the aftermath of several days worth of paying the price.
My life lately has been somewhat on the edge of a precipice the last couple of weeks. I feel as though I am coming to the complete edge of my willpower. For those who know me, I’m a girl of “where there’s a will, there’s a way.” I am not sure if ever in my life I have felt my will hanging by a thread the way I have this month. It’s discouraging. It’s unnerving. I can’t tell you how many times I have been reminded of books like “The Power of Habit” which describes a survery about willpower. As it turns out, each one of us only has a certain amount of willpower that, once used up, is gone. There’s no “willing” the willpower to come back (no pun intended). When willpower is gone, it takes a lot to get it replaced.
I know. I am being cryptic. I’ll explain.
The last year or so my health has spiraled completely and seemingly out of control. For the 4 years prior, I had been avoiding some severe allergens, which included gluten, dairy, corn, soy, potatoes, and nightshades. Yes, those ingredients seem to be in everything these days, but I’ll be honest it wasn’t too difficult to adhere to that diet with how many substitutes there are out there now. If I honored my dietary commitments, I felt pretty good. I certainly didn’t feel deprived, considering I could make some delicious pizza (thank you Gluten Free Goddess!).
But this last year, all that changed.
It really started shortly after I got married. Life was so wonderful and perfect and I felt my soul and my body relax from the high intensity stress of the previous years verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. I suddenly could breathe again. I rediscovered myself.
I have read in many reputable health sources that the aftermath of stress can trigger some very serious issues. I truly believe that once my mind and body realized it did not have to fight any longer in survival mode, it fell apart.
It started with oatmeal. Even the gluten free kind caused severe bloating and discomfort. Soon after that Quinoa was problematic as well. Then vegetables I could previously eat made me agonizingly sick – the entire family of Cruciferous vegetables to name a few. It was annoying at that point, but I tried to focus on the things I could eat – I still had a lot of options.
And then it seemed to suddenly get much worse. Rice made my tummy so swollen I looked 3 months pregnant after I ate it. Nuts made me feel sluggish and tight. Little by little I felt the food world closing up on me. By Christmas I knew that I had to cut out most oils and all nuts and seeds as well. And by the first part of January I completely cut sugar and dried fruit out as well. I started seriously freaking out by then, and knew I had to do something for my sanity and health.
January I spent the month undergoing some GI Tract treatments. I went downtown 3x per week for the month, spending $800 and an hour each visit trying to clean out my system. It was exhausting emotionally and physically. I would sleep 10 hours a night and need a nap by 3pm the next day. It was discouraging but I was determined to tough it out until February.
Tough it out I did. And truth be told, once the treatments were finished, I felt my energy return a bit and I wasn’t so emotional.
But the first weekend of February was destined to throw the rest of my month into chaos when I made some coconut flour bread. I had never had much coconut flour, and ever the “Bread girl”, I gave into a craving. Unfortunately, the familiar bloating, tightness, discomfort and pain returned within the day and lasted through the rest of the week. I had the most disheartening revelation that coconut flour is made of 93% insoluble fiber – and I have a severe intolerance to fiber (unbelievable right?) Nothing seemed to make my body feel better, but a very strict and regimented routine of smoothies, fully cooked veggies, meat, and chicken broth.
I know it doesn’t sound that bad. Between smoothies, veggies, and meat, there are quite a few things you can whip together. But that was when I reached my complete limit. Every day of February I have felt myself on empty, hearing the words “I can’t do it.” I added cheese to a new “meatza” recipe, becase God knows we can’t skip cheese with that. When Phil was out at school I indulged in a treat of banana, almond butter, and raisins. These little “cheats” certainly caused consequences I felt for the rest of the day. But I just didn’t have the strength to say no anymore – especially when I was already saying no before and not feeling much better.
The good news was that I was referred by the owner of a Paleo cafe in Denver (mmm…coffee is incredible), to a specialist she had been seeing great results from. I got on the calendar to meet her in March. March 5th. It was two weeks away. I thought I could hold out.
And then came last week.
I cringe to even write this down and admit it outloud.
Last week I had Sushi.
Twice.
I am pretty sure I heard you gasp too.
But it gets worse.
I also had soda. And more cheese on a dish.
And today I went out with a bang! I ordered Noodles and Co Pesto Cavatappi with rice noodles and braised pork. And while I waited for my order, I devoured a rice crispy treat too.
“What did you expect” You probably are asking me in your head. “Grain, oil, cheese, and sugar in a poisonous elixer for your body?”
I know. I really can’t defend myself. Except to say that I think my will is broken.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep saying no when I barely feel better – when I don’t know the root issues of my body enough to be hopeful that I am making progress.
This Wednesday is March 5th. I get to see the Doctor. I can’t tell you how excited I am. You know it’s bad when the highlight of your month is seeing a doctor. I know she probably won’t be able to give me all the answers and solutions in one visit. But that’s ok. I need more direction than a hunch. I need someone else to see objectively into my circumstances and give me a hand.
I don’t know all the reasons why God has me here. I’m not trying to spiritualize this, but be real. I have not been dealing with it well at all. That bothers me a lot. I feel like, if I trust God, I should be bearing this burden like a champ! And I’m not. My will is run out of willpower. I’m barely crawling right now – between my own poor dietary decisions of the week, and an exhaustion of continuing to fight so intensely for so long.
I would truly covet your prayers. This has been a long and difficult road for me. I am blessed to have a honey who takes care of me and prioritizes spending money on my health and for that I am grateful. I have a family who prayers for me often as well. I know that without going deeper into the Grace of God, I could very easily fall into more unhealthy decisions. I’m working on surrender, on prioritizing cutting out the distractions and coping mechanisms that are simply band-aids to the real issue: Only Jesus can get me through.
That is fact.
This week I am going to start a new section of my blog. I am going to chronicle this journey to health. Between my protocols and emotional health and spiritual state, I am going to have a take-no-prisoners honesty that I haven’t shown publicly before. It’s been pressing on my heart that maybe someone else is really going through it too, and maybe my struggles can show that they are not alone.
It’s not fun to have your body broken. It’s even more terrifying to have your will broken. Please pray for me as I take these steps. And if you could use some prayer too, please send me an email atBrideInspired@gmail.com.
I hate leaving a post with a depressed feeling – but that’s a fair assessment of where I am. So for now I will just leave off with the scripture that I have been clinging to. I hope it is a reminder for you, for today, with whatever you face as well:
“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by sfire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” – I Pe. 1:6-7

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