Or how one is to face life when the test comes back positive.
It was a surprise when, at first, I felt nothing. Sitting in my doctors office, staring out the large windows the words rang over and over again.
And that’s when I felt it. Disappointment.
When you have faced the last year of intense physical battles, you really hope for some good news. After spending a lot of money, time, energy – and made an entire lifestyle adjustment, you expect that something good may be around the corner. Instead, I got the worse news yet.
So today, I finished my last day of full time coaching. For over sixth months I was exhausted by my job and work – a job that was even flexible and at my own pace. I didn’t know why. I have felt tired deep down into my bones, even with my best efforts to makeover my lifestyle to accommodate getting well. After only 12 waking hours, I found myself crawling back to bed, unable to do anything but close my eyes and hope sleep would come soon.
It was honestly pretty depressing.
And now I know why.
Looking back, I am now a bit impressed with myself. During the year of this new conditions onset, I managed 70 coaching clients, I developed a business course for photographers, and I kept up with my writing (and yes, I did think I was laying low). I couldn’t see it at the time, but I really did think I was resting because I was not insanely “busy” and laid low at home. But now I feel foolish. I didn’t listen to my body. I was trying to heal one condition, all the while fighting an unknown masked giant invading my cells.
Though the news was disappointing, it also was a reality check. My life isn’t going to be the same again. And I shouldn’t try to make it so.
Of course, that’s a struggle.
When I ponder how I believe I should live my life, it doesn’t look like being bed ridden. It doesn’t look like being stressed to pay for treatments to a condition that will only become worse with time. It doesn’t look like being a burden to my family and husband.
I’ve always seen my life as to be lived vibrantly, passionately, and whole heartedly. Discovering beauty. Experiencing adventure. Encouraging and lifting up others when they can’t themselves.
Perhaps in a few years my life may return to what I’ve known it to be. But for now, I have to let that go. And though I’ll let myself be disappointment, and discouraged, and maybe even a little depressed for a bit, I also know that I have to be grateful for the rich life I’ve had so far.
And oddly enough, though my health has seemed to strip me of so much I have held dear, it’s also done something I wasn’t expecting. It’s also provided for an opportunity to do what I consider my truest passion: Creating Art.
I love creating art. Through video. Through photos. Through writing. In my heart, Art and communication go hand in hand like the best of friends. And now, with a lot of time available to me, it seems that I can do that.
I’m learning that Life is too short to not do what you love with every fiber of your being. Because you don’t know how much time you are given to live that. You aren’t able to dictate the cards that may be dealt to you at one time or another.
All you can do is play to the tune of that calling God has placed on your heart.
All you can do is take the stones and set them as preciously as you can.
I know you’re wondering what exactly is going on with my health, but I’m not ready to share yet. I’ll probably be posting a video soon. But for now, I hope you really hear my words and take them to heart.
The only way you’ll be able to really Steady On through life’s disappointments is this:
Find the passions that set your heart on fire, and find a way to live in them.